mobile navigation
Blog - Deborah Caulfield

I’m all wrong. Or is it just a bad poem? / 9 June 2015

The picture is made up of lots of layers. Underneath there's a my face. There are cotton reels seen from above, in place of hair. A pelvis from a skeleton for the jaw and chin. All around are words from a mind map. Bottom left it says: See! You're better off dead.

All wrong. Digital image. 2015

When depression hits, I can’t go out or speak to anyone. It’s a moment by moment existence. I have no energy. I want to sleep (but don’t). I make myself do basic chores. That’s all there is. And food.

This time (today) I decided to write and draw (fuck work) something, attempt to represent or express my state (‘mood’ it’s called nowadays, which sounds OK). I don’t smoke and I can’t afford to drink alcohol (anyway it’s a depressant) though I love the taste.

There’s no cure for fear, no remedy for failure and no antidote to stupidity.

Thinking is less of a problem since I learned mindfulness. But the body never forgets and never stops feeling.

For when the numbers don’t add up, it’s no use lying your way out of the problem. It comes back tenfold (I’m told) and hurts times hundred (that I do know).

So I wrote this poem and made that picture.


I’m all wrong
words in search
of melody and rhyme
I’m all wrong
out of tune
step and time
I’m all wrong
in bad shape
body and mind
I’m all wrong
well below par
something missing
I’m all wrong
totally failed
a big mistake
I’m all wrong
can’t be put right
like this poem

Leave a comment

3 Comment threads
0 Thread replies
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
0 Comment authors
James AldridgeJane mccormickDeborah Caulfield Recent comment authors
newest oldest most voted
Notify of
Alan Morrison

James Aldridge / 10 June 2015

Thank you, it’s a beautiful image Deborah, the layered text and textured surface of speaks to me of a weight of tangled thoughts and feelings

Alan Morrison

Jane mccormick / 11 June 2015

Love this image Deborah….your description of depression in both the image and the poem is raw and real. The one foot ahead of the other getting through the day with no silver lining feeling I know so well. Keep making the work. Regards Jane

Alan Morrison

Deborah Caulfield/ 12 June 2015

Hi James and Jane.

It’s always great to get feedback – and encouragement.

Thank you. I very much appreciate it. x

Target practice improves the aim of the one who fires

Ever felt under attack? The other day I woke up with the image of my traumatised child-self, and my bullied adult-self, as someone who's been used for target practice. Like all good ideas, it stuck. Then it expanded to fit other situations, circumstances and scenarios. Next thing I know I’m seeing human targets everywhere. Me, you, ...

Deborah Caulfield: A month of self portraits

Earlier this year, Deborah Caulfield set herself a challenge. She had an old sketch pad lying around. It had 39 pages. The task was to fill the sketchbook with a new self-portrait every day for 39 days. The rules: The sketch/note book must be one that I already own – no new purchases. The sketchbook must ...