I don’t know if I have the mind I was born with, but I know my mind got hurt along the way.
I have had psychotic experiences for over 30 years now. I am more able to function than say 20 years ago, yet the ghosts of it continue to haunt me. When I first heard voices and saw visions, it was thought psychosis was a brain disease with a genetic basis.
More recently that has become a very weak hypothesis. More and more studies acknowledge childhood trauma as a major influence in developing psychosis. You can read more about some of the studies at Intervoice.
My father heard his own voices that probably told him the same things he said to me. He didn’t pass on faulty genes, he passed on a crushed heart.
These recent studies are not news to me. Not now and not when I was on the ward hearing the common denominator of horrific life stories that people knew was the reason they were there.
I currently am working through why my voices say what they say. They are the words of my abuse and abusers. They may not write my life story now but they scream at every thought with their song. I know logically my voices are telling me lies. But my heart thinks it is the truth. And my very patient psychologist and partner are trying to stop me believing those lies.
I made this film to juxtapose my childhood photos with the voices I hear to see if I can see myself as a child.
Let’s hope so.