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Liz Bentley as The Handjob Maiden Delivery Woman

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The Handjob Maiden

Liz Performing the Handjob Maiden’s Tales

Among other things, I am writing the sequel to Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale. This book I am also converting into a screen play where I play the main character ‘Ofrupert’. The one and only Handjob Maiden left on the planet.

The Handjob Maiden’s Tale is set in a totalitarian society in what used to be part of Great Britain where all the original hand maids, Offred’s etc. are post-menopausal and the commanders all now sterile. The only thing that is left for the Handmaid’s to do is practice cats cradle and hand jobs for their commanders. Everything else is futile.

I won’t give anymore away; I imagine you’ve got the gist. At my last Perverse Verse event we enacted the scene published below so I know how well it works. Even I, as the main character was moved.

I am performing the show again at The Lodge Space, a yoga studio in Surrey Quays this Friday. The owners were looking for some light comedy entertainment. I can’t wait. Even though I have insomnia and everything is difficult right now. I can’t wait to perform a whole live show, all on my own. I shall be singing old favourites like ‘The Suicidal Farmer’ and ‘Yogic Internal Cleansing’, only right and proper as performing in a yoga studio. There will be competitions with stunning prizes of some ‘Handmaid Fanny Soap’ and some ‘Who Gives a Crap’ loo roll along with some ‘Hand Job Sanitiser’. After my script below is the Boris Prayer I shall end the show with. Do come on down, you don’t even have to do yoga. https://www.thelodge.space/events Got to rush, rehearsing beckons.

Scene one: The Handjob Maiden’s Tale

 Commander:  Joseph Fiennes lookalike preferably with beard

Hand job Maiden: Liz Bentley

(Commander is standing in his bedchamber)

 C:               Hand job Maiden!  Hither to.  I’d like my daily handjob

M:              Praise be. You do not want to get near me

C:               Why oh handjob maiden?

M:              (she puts on her virus – a green virus looking top)

                   I have car owner virus

C:               Oh!  (jumps away, looking fearful)   I see

M:              And I have the long car owner mutant ninja variant

C:               (scratches his beard) Are you tricking me? I know you have a Masters degree in mind/body                                         psychotherapy. You can treat me.

M:              Praise be! If I give you psychotherapy does that mean no handjob for today from me?

C:               Yes. The virus has put me off my stif-fy

 

THE END

 

The Boris Prayer

Our father, who aren’t in heaven

Fallowed be thou brow

They face mask come

Brexit has been done

In Europe as it was in Britain

Give us our daily PCR test

And forgive those who lateral flow

As we fill our food banks

And refill those that refilled them

Two meters apart

And lead us not into our GP surgery

Deliver us from zoom

For pharma is the kingdom

The power and the glory

For the foreseeable future

For ever and ever, or until further notice

AMen (woman, trans, they, pan, poly, auto, demi, gay, queer, mono, bicurious , hetro, bi)

A mortal, A immortal, AI, ACDC, ABCDEFGHI and back again to …..A MEN

The Handjob Maiden reading from Solitary Pleasures

The Handjob Maiden reading from Solitary Pleasures

 

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crudgie crudgie
crudgie crudgie
12 days ago

another hit

Liz Bentley: creativity, therapy, laughs and anger

As part of her Guest Editorship on DAO, Dolly Sen talks to performer, writer, musician and therapist, Liz Bentley about her life and creative process. My name is Liz Bentley. I am female, 98% heterosexual, age 54.  I live in Peckham, born in Essex and didn’t escape home until I was 21.  I was diagnosed with ...

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